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  MY STORY
(cont'd still...last page!)

I was not quite 21 and my first boyfriend was one year older.  Although we were both young, we had been dating five years.  In June of 1984, at a lovely service at a local church, we were married.   The reception was held at a Golf and Country Club and things couldn't be more beautiful.  We had a lovely honeymoon and moved into a condominium apartment we had bought.  We picked out a dog and settled into happy family life.

Unfortunately, family life was not so happy for me.  My husband was a sweet guy, but he could be quite controlling.   I found that I didn't have the freedom that I desired.  It felt like I had walked from the controlled environment of my parent's house to a similar situation, only with a husband in charge now.

It was not news to me that my husband had a controlling personality, but I had managed to accept it much easier when I was his girlfriend.  When I moved up to the status of wife, it was much more difficult to accept.  As time passed, I got more and more unhappy in my married life.   The strain began to take it's toll on us and the relationship slowly began to unravel.  Although he and I were great friends, we were unable to keep the relationship together.  Barely one year after we wed, our marriage ended and we divorced.  It was a difficult time for both of us.  Our dreams of a life together ended far sooner then either of us would have wanted.

The next five years were what I think of as one of the darker periods of my life.  I moved back home to my parents house after the separation from my husband.  I found it difficult living under my parents roof after being away.  My being at home was equally difficult for them.

Today, I can look back at the time following my separation and subsequent divorce with a much different perspective then the one I had when I was living it.  I was a wreck emotionally and physically.  Had I known then the fragile state I was in, I would have handled my life much differently.  At the time, I was experiencing it though, I had no concept on the course I was on and how hard the fall would be.  I had no idea of the depth of despair and the emotional state I was in, until I hit bottom.

I thought I was tough and in control.  I later discovered I was in denial.  It started simply enough with the dating scene.  I met a man in a bar, where a mutual friend worked.  She introduced us.  I had never experienced a person with an alcoholic problem, so I didn't recognize the signs.  I wanted to help him and ended up hurting myself in the process.  His father died of alcohol poisoning when we were together and I didn't see the signs in him.  My health continued to get worse and I found myself suffering from mononucleosis.  My nerves became more frazzled and I found myself behaving in irrational ways.  The signs of a nervous breakdown were there, but I denied the pain.   I wanted to deny that I was heartbroken from my failed marriage and the loss of my first love.

One day I woke up and Deborah was gone.  I was miserable and falling apart.  I was living with a man who lied, had a violent temper and a drinking problem.  I spent over two years of my life with him.  I kept thinking I could change him and make him happier and that he would treat me better.  He told me he loved me and I believed him.  I told myself I could help him and I believed it.   I couldn't understand why he was treating me so poorly.  What had I done to find myself in this situation?  I didn't realize he was treating me this way because I was allowing it.

I finally hit rock bottom.   I didn't like the life I was living or the way I was feeling.  I was wallowing in a place that didn't give me comfort and I realized it was time for me to find myself again.  I found the courage to ask him to leave.  With much anger he left the apartment.  Slowly, I began to find myself again.  It was a lonely journey.   Now that I was single again, I found myself even more alone and with few friends.  

It was during this time that a man came along, who gave me the strength to walk away from my past and walk toward the unknown.  Our relationship was short-lived, but it was through this connection I learned much about myself and my strength.

Yet, in my time of being alone, I found time to discover myself.  I found that in those darkest hours and the times that I felt so alone, I found a part of myself that I had lost many years before.  It was this person that I re-discovered.  I spent time with myself and began to appreciate the person I was.  My emotional health was soon back to normal and I began to live a normal life.

I met a very nice man that I dated for nearly one year and we had some great fun together.  He had a zest for life and for adventure and I got to do and see things that I hadn't before.  It was great for me.  The past few years, I hadn't spent much time pursuing my spiritual interests,  After we broke up, I found time once again to focus on my spiritual growth and beliefs.  I began to think about what I believed and what I wanted for my life.  It was a time for growth and a time for me.

By the time I was twenty-eight, I had learned much about who I was and what I felt.  I had experienced many emotional upheavals and many learning experiences.  I had no regrets, nor any negative feeling for anyone that might have hurt me.  Without a doubt I experienced pain growing up, but I also believe that all the pain, all the joy and every experience is part of the cycle of growth.  How we choose to learn from it and use it as part of our memory, is how we grow.

I am now nearly 40.  I can look back at my life and know that if I had to do any of it again, I would do it all the same.  My choices, my journey and my life events have brought me to now - and I wouldn't want it any other way!

I have talked to many people who have had a far rougher time reaching adulthood than I.  There are people who experienced sexual and emotional abuse.  There are children who lived in violent domestic situations and spent many days in fear of being beaten.  There are people who have never been hugged by a parent and children who grow up never hearing the worlds "I love you".  Many kids live in fear of not having good enough marks in school or not being accepted on the school team.  There are children who succumb to peer pressure and find a world of drugs and alcohol and no where to turn.

I believe that as we grow up, we have a duty to ourselves to learn from the mistakes we make and the mistakes that are made to us.  In trying to do the right thing we sometimes falter.  We are, after all, human.

THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ THIS.

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